Sticking my head into the lion's mouth

WORST, NO. 3:
Champion and Championusa.com

Two separate sets of problems here. The print catalog has too many parallel descriptions. For example, one two-page spread featuring six styles of men's basketball shorts has six descriptions. Six descriptions are built around the word “cool.” The Web version demands a click before exposure to descriptive copy such as, “Feel free to wear these Champion rugby shorts both on the field and off.”

WORST, NO. 4:
Solutions

It's no big deal. I have only one complaint about this catalog, which by and large is thoughtfully and clearly written. That complaint, regrettably, is all too common, as we saw in the previous example: multiple descriptions using the same verbiage.

On facing pages, this catalog has serving pieces, “So practical you can use them year-round” … and warming dishes, “You can even use them year-round without the stand.” Simple-to-solve creative situations such as this one suggest the value of an ombudsman who checks copy for redundancies before it goes on press.

WORST, NO. 5:
Mrs. Fields Gifts

This catalog uses “generic” copy. First sentences — for a Holiday Tin Collection: “The holiday wouldn't be the same without our bestselling tins” … for a Red & Regal Flocked Box: “This striking gift makes quite an impression and serves a crowd” … for a Rust 'n' Rubies Tree: “Decadent and decorative, this gift is fabulous inside and out!” … for Luscious and Lovely Box: “A wonderful way to treat a group or the entire office, this beautiful gift box is brimming with fresh-from-the-oven favorites.”

None of these is terrible. None of these is inspirational. Yes, copy is workmanlike throughout, but hey, it's a competitive world out there.

And that's it for this season.

This problem intensifies: Not only can I comment only on catalogs to which I'm exposed; exposure becomes more limited each year with the explosion of Web catalogs that obviously don't arrive unsolicited.

So to those estimable catalogs I missed, I apologize for not being on your list. For those catalogs I excoriated, I apologize for being on your mailing list.

And before you aim a brick at my window or that of the editor of Multichannel Merchant, remind yourself: These are only opinions. Yours is valuable too. Maybe even more so.

Herschell Gordon Lewis is the principal of Lewis Enterprises in Pompano Beach, FL, and author of 31 books, including Catalog Copy That Sizzles and Creative Rules for the 21st Century.

These came close

Footsmart

Here's a catalog of women's footwear whose copy never seems tired — whether describing a simple pair of socks or a designer shoe. And (as those familiar with my principal prejudice are so well aware) clarity is a major factor. Example…

The heading: “How can 2“ heels feel like they're only 1“ high?” Subhead: “Stand for hours … you won't believe you're wearing heels with patented, built-in Insolia weight-shift technology!” Body copy is workmanlike, justifying the eye-catching headline and the claim in the subhead.

Vitacost and Vitacost.com

Is copy in the Vitacost catalogs, both print and Web, brilliant? No. Does the layout qualify as award-winning art? No.

Is the copy clear and aimed at consistent vitamin customers? Yes. The prosecution rests.

I'd give an edge to the print catalog, which seems less helter-skelter in organization, but that comment doesn't factor into evaluation of copy.

Herrington

I have to include Herrington because of two award-worthy headlines I noticed in a recent catalog: “Meet Runaway, the Alarm Clock That Runs and Hides to Make Sure You Get Out of Bed!” … and “Finally, a Coffee Mug That Not Only Won't Spill, It Won't Scald Either — No Matter How Hot the Brew!”

Herrington didn't quite make the top five because of overdependence on words like “Finally,” not because of initial caps.

LobsterGram

I'm not much of a lobster lover, but I admire convincing copy. First-person copy often stumbles over its own ego, but copy in this specialty catalog rings of enthusiastic sincerity. One glitch — repeated opening questions, some with questionable punctuation: “What's for dinner, you ask?” … “What's in a name you ask?” … “What's not to love about this gourmet dinner?” You get the idea.

Brookstone

I'd have shifted this one up to the top five had copy been more consistently salesworthy. But interspersed with bright and motivational copy were nondescript first sentences such as “This collapsible tree makes holiday decorating easy!” Two laptop desks on the same page use the same key word, “sturdy.” Overall, though, here we have a well-written catalog.

X-treme geek

What a terrific catalog! The operative word is “entertaining.”

Whoever writes copy for this catalog has mastered the art of force-communication, plus the dedication and discipline that lead to a total understanding of what each item does and how it benefits the buyer. These in concert lead directly to copy that causes the reader to say, “I want that.”

Some descriptions veer into the esoteric, assuming the reader is more conversant with an item than can be universally true. That's the only reason this one isn't in the very top five.— HGL