The Huh? Syndrome is still with us May 1, 1999 12:00 PM
, Herschell Gordon Lewis
JobZone
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Hard to believe. Printed catalogs are up to their eyeballs in
competition...from the Web, from newcomers, from revitalized retailers,
from discount malls. One would think a catalog would knock itself out
avoiding the Huh? Syndrome. n For the uninitiated-and I don't think many
readers of Catalog Age are in that group-the Huh? Syndrome is bewilderment
on the part of a catalog reader who sees a headline or a description and
reacts "Huh?" n Suppose you're in a store. You spot a toaster. What's
easier to describe than a toaster? Up comes the clerk. He starts with a
statement that generates a quick "Huh?": "This has a chrome-plated design."
A what? How is chrome plating related to the design? Oh, well, what he
meant to say is that the toaster is chrome-plated. No biggie there,
although you get a little uneasy.
After showing you "wide slots that toast a variety of items from English
muffins to thick homemade bread," showing you the LED display and the
slide-out tray, and crowing over the usual meaningless "limited warranty,"
he winds up with "And it's supposed to sell for $59.98."
You wait for the killer. What's his price? But even as your eyes shift from
him to the toaster, his pitch is finished. He's gone. You never do find out
what the actual price is.
Does a catalog do this? You bet it does, in spades. In fact, what's so
confusing is that this catalog (see photo on page 128) intermixes actual
prices with crossed-out prices; the crossed-out prices have no actual price
for comparison. You're at sea.
If you really, really want the item you'll look and look and look for the
reference. Ah! In small type: "Crossed out prices are list prices. Call for
our low, low prices!"
Okay, call whom? There's no phone number. Oh, wait, yes, there is...on
another page. But by that time the Huh? Syndrome has totally replaced any
latent buying impulse.
Pure poetry! (What does it mean?)
Here's a catalog whose copy often reaches heights of brilliance. So
benevolence demands tolerance of an occasional aberration.
It's a jacket. Copy says it's available in charcoal or navy, although the
printing doesn't seem to clarify either color. Here's the heading:
A jacket born of the land and bred to withstand.
Huh? Okay, it rhymes. What have we given up to get that rhyme? Let's read
the first line of body copy:
In cooler weather do like New Zealand outdoorsmen do.
No help there. So back to the heading. "Born of the land." Does that mean
it grows? Nope. Later in the text we learn it's merino wool. How does that
make it born of the land? Then we have "bred to withstand." That's a little
easier, because the writer probably meant it will withstand cold. Or is it
wind? Or is it rain? Wait, there it is: It "provides more wind resistance
than traditional woven fabrics."
You may argue that rhapsody sells. So it does...if it's in sync with our
premier guiding force, the Clarity Commandment: When you choose words and
phrases for force-communication, clarity is paramount. Don't let any other
component of the communications mix interfere with it.
Original or forgeries? Who cares?
One of the more clever bits of copywriting is from a catalog dedicated
almost entirely to imports from Russia, primarily various types of art.
Here's a Russian icon for $650. Now, that's not cigar money. The heading,
in the best Boardroom Reports tradition:
The secret the leading auction houses don't want you to know.
What follows is a tautly written history of Russian hand-painted icons.
According to the description, Lenin and Stalin destroyed most of these
during their demolition of churches. Then the KGB capitalized on the
increased value of those that remained, through "a top-secret operation
during the '60s whereby antique icons were recovered and retouched." Huh?
First they destroy them, then they retouch the remainders? Why didn't they
do what the diamond moguls do: Hold onto them and release them onto the
market slowly?
The copy then takes a wild turn:
The icons we have may be authentic or they may just be top-notch forgeries.
We don't know.
Now hold it, buddy. If you're in the business and can't tell 17th-century
gold leaf from late-20th-century overpainting, how can you justify charging
$650 and calling it "A rare and wonderful collectible, at a fraction of the
thousands you'd pay at auction or in an antique shop for a so-called
original"? Aren't you suggesting that some of yours-which you're unable to
isolate-may be originals?
It's clever copywriting, even though "The secret the leading auction houses
don't want you to know" doesn't pay off. Can you imagine Christie's or
Sotheby's auctioning off an icon "for thousands" and telling us, "Of
course, we can't tell whether these are forgeries"? Or worse, not telling
us? Come on. This catalog obviously realizes that those who react with a
skeptical "Huh?" aren't good prospects anyway.
Eureka! It's a vacuum cleaner
Spartan copy has its place, but not when the Rule of Spartan Avoidance is
required. I'll come to the rule afterrepeating every word of copy for three
vacuum cleaners described in adjacent copy blocks.
No. 1: SAVE 20%
$19.99 sale
Eureka Superbroom.
161EU Reg. $24.99
No. 2: $49.99 sale
Eureka Powerline Superbroom.
296EU Reg. $54.99
No. 3: $36.99 sale
Eureka Boss Lite Cordless Broom.
96EU Reg. $39.99
That's it. Oh, sure, we can conclude the Powerline is a better Superbroom
than its less-adjectival sibling. And "Cordless" establishes a different
parameter. But what makes "Powerline" worth more than twice as much? What
does "Boss Lite" mean? There's room for one line of specifics.
The Rule of Spartan Avoidance should have come into play: When the
illustrations don't clarify the differences among similar items, the copy
must clarify the differences among similar items.
Attention spans are growing shorter. Tempers are growing shorter. And the
Web is providing so much information that some sites have immersed
themselves in the deep end of the information pool, while print catalogs
splash mindlessly in the shallow end.
Take a look at your descriptions. Better yet, have an outsider take a look.
If any generate a "Huh?" reaction, do us all a favor and add a little dose
of clarifier, will you?
